Marriage is dynamic. Individually, we are always changing, which in turn forces us to be more flexible, adaptive and attuned to our spouse. As we move through change, one spouse is always forced to carry more of the load emotionally, financially, or physically until the other person is able to move through whatever change they are dealing with (new job, new child, injury, death in the family, etc.). The burden, however, will continue to shift throughout the course of the marriage. These are times that define inter-dependency, but there may be times when we don’t have enough “good memories, good times, positive emotions” in our bucket to carry the relationship through these challenging times. It can feel like a load we are not willing to carry. I believe it is in these times that we need to look back on the relationship and “highlight” or identify the reasons you love or ever loved that person.

This is why I really enjoyed the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I will review this book every few years and continue to recommend to friends and family who are struggling in their marriage.

Gottman provides insight into marital success that some have doubted was ever possible. Gottman’s “Love Lab” research suggests that good marriages don’t necessarily have fewer conflicts than bad ones. Gottman utilizes practical questionnaires and exercises that bring out hidden emotions and motivations that each spouse may not even be aware of. If you are searching for a healthier marriage, even if you don’t think yours is salvageable, or want to take your marriage to its fullest potential, I recommend this book. It is similar to counseling in that both spouses have to do the exercises in order to build skills in each area Gottman outlines. These thought-provoking exercises can also improve or repair hurt feelings and enable the couple to move forward toward more positive and effective communication.

Marriage is not a static equilibrium with two partners proceeding at the same velocity and direction: Rather, it is comprised of ebbs and flows…a multidimensional balance. [contributed by Tricia Diaz].

Category: Marriage · Relationships