Friends are wonderful. Who doesn’t want friends? Yet, changes in one’s life can impact current friendships enormously. Friendships often develop out of some common ground–maybe you share interests, or lifestyles, or work at the same place. In other words, there is a basis for the friendship. But if a change occurs in one person’s life, it can have an enormous impact on the other person.

How? First, there is the often common ‘crying on the shoulder,’ especially among women (and I don’t mean to be sexist here—but I am female, and I see how many of us operate!). This can be fine for a while-we all want to be supportive of our friends-but over time it may become awkward. Most of us are not therapists, and we become challenged on how to handle the long-term stress situation that our friend is encountering. We may try not to give advice, focusing on listening. But at some point it becomes not only frustrating, but boring.

Second, if that friend goes through a permanent LifeShift, our commonality may dissolve. Think back to when a fellow dinner party couple decided to divorce. You identify your friend as one-half of a married couple, no matter how much you may like her as an individual. The next dinner party rolls around, and do you invite each as Singles? Do you invite them both? Do you allow them to each bring a guest? Do you delete them from the dinner party circuit? All of a sudden, there are ramifications for how you socialize. In fact, their LifeShift may over time erode your friendship.

Or, perhaps YOUR LifeShift may erode a friendship. . . .when a friend had health problems and lost her professional viability, many professional friendships went by the wayside. It was not out of ill will, but out of awkwardness, plus loss of the common foundation of the profession they were in.

Happily, changes may also offer new opportunities for friendships. Suddenly you are single, or suddenly you are unemployed. . . . you strike up a conversation with someone else going through a challenging situation, and a bond is created. That friendship may be temporary, as you use each other for mutual support through your changes, transitions, or transformations. Or it may become permanent. There’s an expression that I cannot quite recall-people enter our lives for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime.

It’s important to recognize that going through change can be disruptive for others in your life. Or, if it is them going through changes, it may be disruptive to YOUR life. Change can be very lonely, which it why I created this Forum. Hopefully it will give you a place to vent without wearing out your friend’s shoulders and ears, and perhaps will give you the opportunity to interact with others going through changes.

And, I find it best to try not to take lost friendships personally. . . it is often not about personalities. Instead, it may be that the underlying structure of the friendship has changed dramatically, and that its foundation has eroded with the changes in your lives. It’s so easy, when going through change, to become de-stabilized and with that, overly sensitive. Just know, if you lose a friend, don’t take it personally. You probably have other things to work through instead. Do try to nurture your friendships, as you may want to keep them. As part of that, be conscious of burdens you may be placing on friends by over-relying on them as someone to vent to. If you can afford a health professional, sometimes that’s a good alternative as they are then paid to listen to you, plus often have good guidance! And the Forum is here for your (free) participation!

Category: Friendships · Relationships